when your period becomes a reminder, not of the life that is possible inside you, but the resentment you feel about your prior birth experiences; thats when you know you have mother's remorse. i LOVE my babies, both of them. they are everything i could possibly want in the world, they are perfect to me! their births, however, were less than ideal... and by that i mean pretty traumatic.
my first child ended in a c/s.. not an elected one. my OB thought that since i had gestational diabetes my baby could possibly be huge and the ultrasounds were leading her to believe my daughter could be 10 lbs. or more if i went past 40 weeks. she decided to schedule a c/s the day after my due date (that was on a sunday). she did tell me she would LET me try to labor on my own if i wanted, but it could end up killing my child and the safer option is surgery. i believed her. i was 21, i knew plenty more than i had before i got pregnant, but not nearly enough to know this woman was playing me. after i had the surgery i realized the truth and felt so manipulated and taken advantage of. the doctor didn't care about me, she cared about getting the baby out the best way she knew how at the expense of me. my daughter was 8 lbs. 3 oz.
after that delivery i vowed to VBAC if i were ever pregnant again! i did diligent research and found out about midwives, doulas, holistic medicines and when i got pregnant again 4 years later i even had a prenatal chiropractor and some prenatal massage to help me. i had my midwife, i had my doula, i had all the vitamins.. the birthing ball.. the knowledge, i had it all! as i was closing in on my due date i started getting nervous... the midwives were talking about how i couldn't go past 42 weeks, they brought up my baby being big and even though i only had glucose intolerance this time around they brought that up too. even though i asked for paperwork to sign so i could go past 42 weeks with no liability on them they scheduled a c/s on my 42 week mark and told me they would check my cervix... which of course was tight as a drum since i was under so much stress and anxiety. fearing the worst the day before my scheduled c/s i actually had a beer...not a real beer but one of those fruity girly beers. i ended up getting no sleep, not eating anything for the surgery and being so sick. just hoping and praying that somehow i would go into labor. funny thing, i was having regular contractions.. i was going into labor, but it didn't matter to my midwives. they wanted me on the operating table and they were going to play dirty.
arrived at the hospital for the c/s, asked for some procedures to be done to make sure the baby was safe so they could be satisfied letting me sign the 42 week waiver. i thought i was doing the right thing, trying to make everyone comfortable and letting them know that the baby's health was in my best interest as well! they didn't care. i was waiting in the hospital for hours, still not eating, while they made every excuse that a room needed to open up, this person or that person needed to come in. it was awful torture. i was having contractions and walking around the hospital.. my 4 year old was so hungry and actually got a fever while we were there. when they finally got me in a room she fell asleep on me hot and clammy. they had the BP monitor strapped to me, which of course spiked every time the midwife came in.. she wasn't even MY midwife and i had never met her before! they stuck a catheter in me, stuck IVs in me... the whole 9. told me i looked "puffy" which i knew would turn into a preecclampsia diagnosis.. i was right. i signed myself out of the hospital when i couldn't take it anymore and had to get my sick daughter home. i had given them enough. i had the anesthesiolgist come in and call me stupid for wasting his time when i didn't want a c/s.. hey buddy, i didn't tell you to come in here! i had a surgeon sit on the bed and plead for me saying "don't you just want to get that baby out now?"... no, i want that baby to come out when it's good and ready! after all of that i was crying and shaking and starving and done.
we left the hospital and i finally ATE FOOD... it was delicious and i felt so much better! i thought i can do this, i can deliver this baby.... not even halfway home though the midwife had another idea. she called me to ask why i left the hospital telling me i had "the beginning stages of pre ecclampsia based on my urine test".. i checked the numbers when everyhing was said and done. they were so low, i know it was from not eating and stress. she wanted me back there NOW but had to settle for later that evening since i had to take my daughter home. once she was settled we drove back to the hospital where nothing made sense anymore. the triage was not expecting me, the nurse that got me signed in had no idea why i was there based on my chart... i wanted to punch the midwife when she came to check on me in triage and noted how strange it was that my BP was normal now!.. my midwife did not go into the OR with me and instead i had THREE anesthesiologists for no reason and a lovely girl who sewed me up while attending her FIRST C/S.... i have the mangled awful scar to prove it. they clamped the cord right away even though i specified for them not to. my incision took forever to heal and it healed ugly.
once i was out of surgery because of my fake pre ecclampsia status i still had to recover in a room with still no food for 24 hours with a magnesium drip that makes you feel just awful. that and these itchy squeezy boots on my legs to make sure i didn't have a random clot. the only distractions being when a nurse argues with me when i don't want her to take my baby to the nursery or another nurse pounds on my abdomen to get all the blood out she can.
once i got to the mother room it was great, the staff was great and mostly everything was peachy keen... but my gods that whole delivery was just pure hell! when i think about going through something like that again at the end of another pregnancy my brain shuts down. i don't EVER want to experience that again. there was no respect for me, my well being, my health. it was insanity.. they just kept coming up with new excuses to keep me there! originally i had only asked until the following wednesday to delay the c/s.. just for my piece of mind (they scheduled the c/s for the saturday before), they wouldn't hear of it! oh no, anything past 42 weeks is just non existent!
this is when i learned the difference between a real midwife and someone who goes by the name midwife but is actually useless.
i have mothers remorse and i believe it will keep me from ever having anymore children. my babies are pure joy and awesome and i never think of the pain i went through when i look at them.. but sometimes when my period starts, when i see an amazing picture of a mom who just homebirthed her baby, when i read about someones successful VBAC story.. i get that pit of resentment in my stomach and just can't shake it.
every 3 out of 10 women will have a c/s and sometimes to make myself feel better i will say "you know, maybe i'm just stronger than those other 7 women.. they couldn't handle all the crap i did so i had to be one of those 3"... but honestly i deserved to push my baby out, i deserved to be the first person to see him and hold him, i deserved to have that moment of pure bliss and amazement. i got squeezy boots and painkillers hazing over my first precious moments with my son.... and i resent it.
